My first year (and change) as working mom
I expected to be sleep deprived, to sometimes have spit up on my shirt, for my house to be a mess, for pumping to be a chore and for my schedule to become even busier and unpredictable. But my first year (and change) as a mom and a working mom has been more surprising, wonderful and challenging then I anticipated.
Early on my daughter taught me a lot about failing and my maternity leave was a constant learning environment. But when I returned to work things got a bit more complicated. I’ve always seen myself as a high performing employee. I want the hard project that no one else wants. I’m ambitious and want to grow my career. I was afraid that I couldn’t be that person anymore despite my CEO and boss’ faith that I would be just fine.
My insecurity caused me to take some dumb risks to prove my value. I’m a fan of risks but you should take them because you are trying to do something different that has the potential of being high value, not because your scared.
I was happy to learn recently that I wasn’t the only one with this identity-related anxiety.
When I tried to put words to the feelings, all I could think to say was that something about my identity had cracked and shattered, and I no longer knew who I was anymore.
An identity crisis. What a self-absorbed, ridiculous notion. What a silly thing to be worked up over. And yet. It was nothing I could control.
It took some time up eventually I discovered this version of me that can change a diaper and wrangle a CEO. This me is more motivated to be successful for my family, disciplined in deciding what’s important and knows how to do more things in less time. This me wants to be a professional that will inspire her daughter and other girls. She feels familiar and I think she’s going to be better than just fine.